Strong in Weakness, Glowin' in the Dark

O Come Let Us Adore Him

2011-12-22T20:07:00.003-05:00

Christmas...the word brings us memories of sleigh rides, skating, Santa and presents, family feasts and singing songs. It's a holiday that many people all around the world celebrate, and most of the aspects of Christmas have their roots in different pagan traditions. But for me, Christmas is more than trees and tinsel, lights and lists. Christmas for the Christian is a time to remember the birth of Jesus. It's a celebration of that point in time when God finally spoke after 400 years of silence. He broke through the heavens and came to earth in human flesh as a tiny baby, ending the centuries of silence with the small, frail cry of an infant. He was born in a stable surrounded by sheep and oxen, and placed in a makeshift bassinet softened with hay. There was a star that hovered over His birthplace, leading shepherds and kings to find Him. There were angels filling the sky, proclaiming the glory of the Lord. Yes, the night when God took on flesh and was born as a baby was a sacred and holy night, one to be remembered.

But there's so much more to Christmas than the baby in the manger. The baby grew into a young man who was found teaching in the temple, confounding the wise with His wisdom. He became a man who walked on water, healed lepers and blind and deaf people and raised the dead with a word. He was a man who was tempted in every way, but never gave in to temptation. Rather, He overcame every dart of Satan with Holy Scripture. He was bold as a lion when faced with the desecration of the temple, yet gentle as a lamb when He laid His hands on the children and blessed them. This God-Man lived a life of perfect obedience to His Heavenly Father. And when the time had come, He laid down His life and died on a cross, to make the perfect payment for the sins of His people. He was buried in a borrowed tomb, and then three days later He conquered death by rising to life again, never more to succumb as Lazarus did, but rather to live forever as the Holy King of the Nations.

So this year when I hear O Come All Ye Faithful, rather than picture the manger, I will picture the cross. This was the purpose of the manger, for God the Son to humble Himself by becoming a man, live a life of obedience, die a death to pay a ransom, and to rise victorious as King. I look forward to the day when every knee will bow and every tongue confess to the glory of God the Father that Jesus Christ is Lord!

Oh, come, let us adore him,
Oh, come, let us adore him,
Oh, come, let us adore him,
Christ the Lord.

DVD Review - Desiring God

2011-07-23T16:42:00.002-04:00

The only thing better than reading Desiring God, is watching Piper speak about desiring God. This man has ministered God's grace and truth to me for years now, especially the years after leaving a wonderful home church and waiting to find our next home church. The video makes the themes and gist of Desiring God the book come alive with Piper's passion and zeal for the Lord. With quotes from great theologians like C.S. Lewis, George Mueller, Augustine and John Owen, Piper spurs us on to a desperate pursuit of our complete satisfaction in God for our joy and His glory. I highly recommend this video for personal use, as well as use in small groups, Sunday school and any other place you have an opportunity to show it to one other person!
May God use this DVD powerfully in creating God-exalters all over the world!

Book Review: When the Hurt Runs Deep

2011-07-10T18:38:00.002-04:00

Kay Arthur nails suffering and the sovereignty of God in this wonderful book! How often have you wondered why a circumstance has come into your life, and how you would ever find the strength to come through? The answers to those questions are found all throughout the Scriptures, and that's exactly where she takes us to find them in this book. Through the stories of Joseph, Job and Paul, she demonstrates time and again God's complete control in every circumstance. In Chapter 4, she writes these words:

"Many people like the idea of having God or a 'higher power' around when it suits them, to help them with their stuff as long as He doesn't interfere. In other words, 'God is all right as long as He doesn't make any demands on my life...kind of a jolly old grandfather in the sky who lets me do whatever I want and never gets in my way.' "...I am pausing to say all this because I firmly believe that genuine healing is tied to a correct knowledge of God's sovereignty - His rule over everything - and His character."

In today's society filled with the false teachings of the "Name It - Claim It" prosperity gospel, Ms. Arthur's book rises above with the glorious fragrance of truth. God is not a genie in a lamp waiting to grant my every desire. Nor is He standing by, waiting to see what will come into my life daily and how I will respond to each situation. No! He is the Master Orchestrator, the giver and sustainer of life, the One who holds all things together by His will. When we learn that all of life is ordained by Him for His excellent purposes, that's when we can truly be free to live for Him in whatever He calls us to live.
This is a must-read for anyone who has faced any trial, from difficult parenting to the suicide of a loved one; it's for anyone who might be called to speak Truth into the life of someone in a difficult situation. It's for believers who long to know more about the character of the God who redeemed their life from the pit. In other words, its for everyone!
I received this book from Waterbrook Multnomah for the purpose of this review.

Book Review: the Blessing

2011-07-03T19:17:00.002-04:00

The Blessing, by John Trent and Gary Smalley (revised and updated)

This is a Christian parenting book. It's main idea is unconditional love and acceptance for your children. Instead of calling it that, although those words are in the sub-title, they call it blessing your children. If you're a parent and you've never read a parenting book, this is a good one. Bless your children by affirming them, loving them, valuing them. If you're a parent and you've read good parenting books, I think you'll do OK to miss this one. It's all been said before. Love your children.
I received this book from Thomas Nelson publishing for the purpose of this review.

RAI scan - June 2011

2011-06-23T19:36:00.002-04:00

Well, the scan is done and it was inconclusive. It showed a large dark spot in my right jaw area. I've been having swelling, numbness and tingling in that area for 3 weeks now, so that makes it suspicious. I'm waiting for Dr. Bajpai (oncologist) to talk with Dr. Phillips (radiologist) to determine the next step. I'll either go back to see Dr. Dumas (ENT), or have further testing done to determine what is causing the symptoms. Otherwise the scan looked clean, with no uptake in my neck or chest, which is great news.
Thyrogen is an amazing medicine. I was injected twice prior to the scan. This enabled me to remain on my thyroid meds rather than go off them for a month prior to the scan. My TSH prior to the injections had been in the 0.2 range. Yesterday my TSH was 78!! And the only real side effects I've had are sleeplessness and fatigue. HOpefully my TSH will go back to the normal range pretty quickly.
So now I'm waiting to hear about the next steps...

Book Review: Untamed

2011-06-22T14:43:00.001-04:00

Lisa Harper has a way with words. She takes gospel stories and rewords them as though they were happening today. For example, she rewrites John the Baptist's message to Jesus this way:
"Are you really the Messiah? I mean, good night, here I've been slaving away in the desert without wine, women or ESPN, and You're going to parties, hanging out with drunks and prostitues, and telling people to love those who persecute them. I thought You were going to come out swinging and spewing fire!" (Chapter 3, pge 51).
Yes, she maintained the essential gist of the message John sent back to Jesus (Mt 11:1-3), but adds an edge and some humor. Typically that's my own style of storytelling and writing as well. It engages people who might otherwise not be able to get through a study about the Messiah. It adds a little skin, makes Him seem more real.
The book is laid out in chapters, with questions at the end of each chapter. It could work well as a Bible study guide for new Christians. It is not theologically deep, but it does tear away the images of a Jesus in clean white robes who never sweat or got tired.
So it's not my favorite book about Jesus, but I believe it has a place in the church, where often times people shy away from a Jesus to whom they can't relate.

I received this book from Waterbrook Multnomah for the purpose of this review.

Next things...

2011-06-17T20:33:00.004-04:00

I've had very little going on lately in regards to cancer. I've been seeing my oncologist farily regularly, but nothing else. But next week is my follow up RAI (radioactive iodine) scan to see if there's any residual thyroid cancer. So I've been on the low iodine diet, which really isn't as bad as I made it out to be originally. Last time I had to do it for 2 months, but this time only a few weeks. And I've lost 10 lbs, which is a nice side benefit!
Ordinarily with this scan, I would have to stop all my thyroid meds for a month prior to the scan. That would make me extremely hypothyroid, which was a very unpleasant place to be - fatigue, hallucinations, memory loss (I almost forgot to include that one!) But thanks to a drug called Thyrogen, I don't have to stop my meds at all. That sounded like a good deal at first, but as I've read more about Thyrogen and understand how it works, it's a little scary. Instead of becoming hypo over the course of a month, I'll become hypo in just two little days! Yikes!
So my upcoming schedule is as follows:
Monday - Thyrogen injection
Tues - second injection
Wed - labs, then swallow the RAI pill
Thurs - a 2 hour full body scan at 11:00, then see my oncologist at 1:00 and get the verdict - to treat, or not to treat!
Fri - labs
If anything at all shows up on the scan, I'll have to have another high dose RAI treatment, which will mean 8 days in isolation again.
Along with all this, I've had a swollen area in my jaw for the past 3 weeks. My face is numb and tingly, and certain noises make my ear ring really loud. I've been trying to decide: dentist or doctor? I have no tooth pain at all, but it's a possibility. In my indecision, I've done neither in hopes it will just all go away. I'll probably stop in to see my doctor some time next week. Hopefully that's not related to everything else. Sigh...

Book Review: The Waiting Place

2011-06-11T16:07:00.004-04:00

The Waiting Place; Learning to Appreciate Life's Little Delays
by Eileen Button

This book is a collection of personal essays written by Eileen Button throughout her life, as she experienced various delays, interruptions and struggles. It's a quick read, and she is transparently honest in how she faces each delay. Her life as a Methodist pastor's wife, mother, adjunct college professor and finally newspaper columnist is filled with disappointments, unfulfilled dreams, a seriously ill child and a busy and often distracted pastor/husband.

I was drawn quickly into this book, enjoying the honesty and sweetness of her writing. After a while, though, I found myself longing to read of her dependence on God and His unavoidable wooing. I was hoping to read about how God is great in the good times, and just as great in the bad times. So I guess I finally closed the book feeling a little disappointed. I wanted a glimpse into the life of someone so enamored with God that the waiting places throughout life became meeting places with God. Instead it was basically just a biography done in essay format. Well done, if that's what you want to read.

I received this book for free from Thomas Nelson publishing for the purpose of this review.

Life gets in the way

2011-06-08T19:51:00.002-04:00

So many times there are things I'd rather be doing, but life gets in the way. I'd rather be writing, but I have a Monday through Friday job. I'd rather be traveling, but there are bills to pay and not much money leftover. I'd rather be a stay-at-home mom, but, well, you get the picture. It's easy for the necessary things to become embittering and mundane. I think that's happening to me a lot lately. And so I need to desire the great gain in godliness that comes from contentment (1 Tim 6). It's true that I never, ever have a surplus of godliness! The question is how much to I desire godliness? Enough to press on in my Monday through Friday job, paying bills, staying at home with my family? Enough to say, "Thank you, Father, for everything that I have that has come from Your hand, and thank you for the things You withhold?" For therin lies true contentment.
So today I will pray for the desire to desire godliness above other things. I pray God will work His will in my heart, so that I will be willing to be content in what I have - after all, I have a Father who flung the stars into space and holds creation together through Jesus (Col 1:17). What more could I really ask for?

Book Review

2011-05-28T13:38:00.002-04:00

Life, In Spite of Me, by Kristen Jane Anderson

Just three hours...that's how much time it took me to read this book. The story of Kristen Anderson is an amazing story of God's sovereignty over every part of our lives - even attempted suicide! At the end of her rope and in the pit of despair, Kristen suddenly decides to end her life when she hears the whistle of an oncoming train. Sure that death would be a much better alternative than continuing to live her painful and disappointing life, she lies down on the tracks, expecting that her life would be over in a matter of minutes. Apparently God had a different plan for her life.
Conscious throughout the events of that night, Kristen recounts the years leading up to her decision to end her life, as well as the terrifying moments after the train rain over her body when she realized that she was alive and that her legs were no longer part of her body. And if she thought her life was bad before, it was much worse now that she was confined to a wheelchair and dependant on those closest to her. And then...the question of faith. A woman from her family's church met her in the foyer her first Sunday back, and told her that it was a good thing she lived through her suicide, because she would have gone to hell if she had died. Of course her parents assured her she would have gone to Heaven; she was a good person, after all. But this woman's simple, careless statement left Kristen wondering - Heaven or hell? And how could she be sure? Little by little, using different people along the way, God revealed Himself to Kristen. And Kristen surrendered her life to Him - the one who held her down on those tracks the night rather than allowing her body to be sucked up into the train, the One who loved her enough to send His Son to die on the cross for her sin. He saved her life, her soul, and now has given her an amazing story. A story that thousands have heard in many venues, including the Oprah Winfrey show. Because of what God allowed in her life, she has been able to bring the gospel of hope to many teens who understood her despair and needed to hear her story of hope.
In Chapter 21, Kristen writes: "What if it (the botched suicide attempt) had never happened? I shuddered, thinking of where I could be. Losing my legs showed me how big and real God is. For the first time I realized losing my legs was worth it. I wouldn't go back, even if I could."
I highly recommend this book! Especially if you are at the end of your rope or know someone who is; if you're living with pain and disappointment, or know someone who is; if you're wondering what the point of your life is, or know someone who is. In other words, we can all benefit from the message of this book. God is in control. It's all about Him.
Read it.
I received this book from Waterbrook Multnomah for free, for the purpose of writing this review. I am not required to write a positive review.

Book Review: Praying for Your Future Husband

2011-05-22T15:40:00.000-04:00

Robin Jones Gunn and Tricia Goyer do a wonderful job presenting the reader with reasons and encouragement for praying for a future husband, in a devotion-type book. There are personal journal entries, stories and testimonies from women that they have interviewed for this book. Both women present their pre-marriage times honestly and transparently. They expose their own sinful backgrounds to us as they tell us of premarital relationships and even abortion - something most Christian authors might not be willing to admit to in order to preserve credibility.

I applaud both women for caring enough about the current population of unmarried Christian young women to write a book as real as this one. As Christians, we are called to "bear one anothers burdens". The burden on young women to find a mate is a heavy one. Teaching young women to pray for their future mates is one way to lighten that load. I plan to go through this book very soon with my "almost a teen" daughter, and would strongly encourage other moms to do the same. It's never to early to cast our cares upon the Lord, because He cares for us. He cares for our purity, our future and our joy. Christian marriage is a picture of Christ and His Bride, the church. Christ prays for His Bride (Hebrews 7:25), so of course we should pray for our future husband.

Book Review: 90 Days of God's Goodness

2011-04-30T12:14:00.004-04:00

In Randy Alcorn's devotional book, 90 Days of God's Goodness, Randy gives the soul a powerful tool: a flashlight. But it's not a flashlight to shine on our own soul. We don't need to look more closely at ourselves during a trial. He gives us a flashlight to shine onto the nature and character of God, so that when we have been kicked in the soul, we can find His goodness in the trial, through the trial, and even because of the trial. We can see Him as the author and perfector of our faith.

On day 6, Randy quotes Pastor James Montgomery Boice as he stood before his congregation in Philedelphia in May of 2000, to explain that he'd been diagnosed with liver cancer. He quotes, "...God is in charge. When things like this come into our lives, they are not accidental. It's not as if God somehow forgot what was going on, and something bad slipped by...God is not only the one who is in charge; God is also good. Everything He does is good...If God does something in your life, would you change it? If you'd change it, you'd make it worse. It wouldn't be as good."
Suffering happens to every child of God. Jesus promised that in this world, we would have trouble. Randy Alcorn realizes this, and his book 90 Days of God's Goodness equips the saints to see God's goodness in the trouble, and to trust Him for the outcome.

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review

Settling...

2011-04-07T19:34:00.002-04:00

...into the new normal. Or the new, new normal I suppose I should say. I don't know how many diseases are cured by giving the patient an entirely new disease. I hope not too many. When I had cancer, I didn't feel sick at all. In fact, my only complaint was that I wasn't swallowing food easily. That would have made it easy to lose 50 or 60pounds! My thyroid cancer is "cured" for now, and I feel terrible most of the time! Insomnia, fatigue, irritability...and would somebody please turn down the heat!! And these are things that I'm told for the most part will be my companions for the rest of my life. I liked the cancer better.

Scars

2011-02-18T18:45:00.001-05:00

I have lots of them. I’ve had many surgeries over my lifetime. Fortunately, most of the scars have been in areas that aren’t visible. But recently I had to have open chest surgery to remove my large and cancerous thyroid gland. Those scars are easily visible across my neck and down the center of my chest. They are red, angry looking scars, even though my surgery was almost a year ago.

Initially, I was self-conscious about the scars. I often had complete strangers asking me about my health issues, which I felt were none of their business. I would become indignant if someone asked me about them. One of my doctors has also been quite focused on the appearance of the scars, even though I had not been complaining about them. He’s even suggested that I consider having them surgically (are you kidding me?!) removed, and having the subsequent scar irradiated to prevent the red angriness from returning. Hmm…sounds a bit extreme to me!

Lately though, God has been changing the way I think about my scars. After all, they are a reminder of the grace and mercy that He has shown me through a difficult time in my life. He carried me through cancer and surgeries and treatments, caring for me in ways He would not have needed to had I not been ill. My family, my church family, my neighbors and co-workers all ministered to me by providing meals, help and emotional support - they were Jesus “with skin on” to me and my family during those long months.

I’ve also realized that Jesus Himself bears scars - the scars from the nails that were brutally pounded into His hands and feet, the wound pierced in His side from the soldier’s sword to make sure that He was really dead. Those scars are evidence of hideous torture and intense agony. But they are also evidence of His deep love for His people. His scars exist because God the Father planned before the world was formed that He would send His Son Jesus into the world to redeem His people and save us from our sinfulness. The scars on Jesus’ body exist to glorify God the Father.

After his resurrection when Jesus appeared to His friends, they saw the nail prints on His hands and the wound in His side. They proved to them that He really was Jesus, risen from the dead. His body still bears the scars of crucifixion - they are evidence of His great love for His people. I know that when I see Him one day, I will look at those scars and remember what He has done for me. Through His sacrifice, I have peace with God.

I’m thankful for my restored health. I am thankful for all that God has done for me, sending His Son Jesus to die on the cross for my sin. And I am thankful for the scars. Instead of being something embarrassing and unwelcome, I’ve decided to look at each scar as a
Sacred Call to Always Remember. They will forever be reminders of God’s love and mercy. And those are things I don’t want to ever forget.

Hiding God's Word in My Heart

2011-01-22T14:06:00.002-05:00

This year I've committed to memorizing the book of Philippians. Yes, the entire book. I've never memorized a book of the Bible before. The longest I've ever memorized are a few Psalms: 1, 23, 51. So this has been really stretching my brain cells, for sure! But what insights it has afforded me so far!!
I woke up the other morning with a picture in my head - a dog digging a hole in the yard to bury a bone. He was moving a bunch of dirt out of the way to make a place for the bone. That made me realize that hiding God's word in my heart is a lot like the work that dog was doing - moving a lot of dirt out of the way to hide something precious. There is so much junk in my heart - sin, distraction, anxiety, laziness, etc, that gets in the way of the Word. But if the Word is precious to me, I'll happily do the work - if I had a tail, it would be wagging all the while! This shouldn't be drudgery or a distasteful chore, but a welcomed privilege. I need God's grace to enable me to be joyful and zealous over the opportunity to hide His Word in the soil of my heart. Unlike the bone, which can be retrieved once and then would need to be "re-hid", the Word can be retrieved, mulled over and enjoyed over and over again throughout my entire lifetime.
"I have stored up your Word in my heart, that I may not sin against You." Psalm 119:11

Happy New Year 2011

2011-01-01T14:13:00.001-05:00

The year is two thousand eleven,
Filled with chances for us to be leaven;
So those on the earth
Might see Jesus’ great worth,
And find hope in the Treasure of Heaven.

The Greatest Christmas Miracle

2010-12-19T15:03:00.001-05:00

At Christmastime, we celebrate the incarnation of Jesus - God became flesh and dwelt among His people. This event was a huge occurrence, marked by many things that only God could make happen. He was born from a virgin, who became pregnant by the intervention of the Holy Spirit; angels filled the sky and heralded His birth - announcing it to shepherds and telling them exactly how they would find Him; a star hovered over the place where He was so that kings from the East could find Him several years after His birth; not to mention all the Old Testament prophecies that were fulfilled exactly as they were prophesied.
Jesus’ life went on to be full of miracles - He changed water into wine; He gave sight to a blind man; He released a man from the possession of demons; He raised the dead; He walked on water; after a hideous crucifixion, He arose from the dead and appeared to many people before He ascended bodily into Heaven.
Of course all of these things are miracles. Webster defines a miracle as “an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause such as God.” Only God could have caused these things to happen. Thinking back to times before the incarnation, I marvel at other miracles of God - the parting of the Red Sea, the plagues of Egypt, the victory of Gideon’s small army. I could go on to name many, many miracles of God. He is the creator of all things. From nothing God created everything. He spoke, and the world came into being - the stars, the waters, the land and animals - everything merely spoken into existence! Nothing is impossible for God, the creator and sustainer of the universe.
As I think about the miracles of Christmas, I realize that restoring sight to eyes that He created was no great feat of difficulty for Him. Making Himself in the image of man - man that He formed from the dust - could not have been a stretch of His imagination at all. Implanting His seed into the womb of a woman pales in comparison to speaking the entire universe into being. The seas He created are still seas, the land is still land, the stars are still shining in the heavens.
What then, is the greatest miracle, the greatest purpose, of Christmas? Through Christmas, the Advent of the Holy One, God recreated sinful man and gave Him a new nature. He sent Jesus to seek and to save that which was lost, and through His blood changed our sinfulness for His righteousness. Through Christmas, this wretched sinner now has fellowship with the Almighty. That is the greatest miracle of Christmas.
May your Christmas this year be filled with the glory of God.

I have become a wonder to many...

2010-11-12T17:22:00.003-05:00

Got my first blood test results since beginning my thyroid replacement meds. My TSH, which they want to see running right around 0, went UP from 33 to 47. It should have gone down. My T4 remains in the normal range, when it should have actually gone up. My ENT scratched his head and said that was strange. My oncologist is out of town (probably needed a vacation from all my bizarre-ness!!). So they upped my thyroid med a little, which the ENT wouldn't make much of a difference, and I have more labs scheduled for two weeks. I see the oncologist the Monday after Thanksgiving and hopefully will have more insight at that point.

Psalm 71:7 says "I have become a wonder to many..." I think I may cross-stitch that on a sampler for my wall...

Back to Work...

2010-10-30T18:18:00.002-04:00

...but would rather be a stay at home mom. I mean, the work is good, sometimes interesting, not usually too difficult. But I'm a mom, not a career woman. I want to be home reading with my Lizzie, playing with my Lizzie, baking things for my Jeff with my Lizzie. I'm grateful for the job. So I'll keep going. At least till the next thing comes up anyway! LOL!!

Haaaaayyyyy!! I feel good!!!! (ala James Brown!)

2010-10-22T14:29:00.002-04:00

...almost! I equated being out of isolation with "all better" and have been pushing the envelope a little. I still get waves of fatigue wash over me like breakers on the shore. I definitely have more energy than I've had in months, but it's like a short life laptop battery - I can use it for a while, but I have to stay close to a power source for "just in case". Otherwise the work I've done won't be saved!! My mind seems to be coming back - I'm not quite so fuzzy these days. So I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Hopefully that light isn't the headlamp of an oncoming train!

The Prodigal Mind

2010-10-16T21:38:00.003-04:00

My mind, which has been recently lost in a hypothyroid fog, has been coming around lately. Timidly, like a puppy who'd run off and was back, hoping not to be scolded. Nudging me occasionally, tail tucked between its legs. If I make any sudden moves towards it, it runs away again. But there have been times in the past few days where it has actually curled up at my feet and stayed a while, resting its chin on my slipper. I'm told if I'm patient, my mind will come back completely and for good, none the worse for wear. I hope so...I miss that little fella!

CANCER-FREE!!

2010-10-15T19:20:00.003-04:00

According to the oncologist, the difference between my initial scan last week and the follow up scan today was "amazing". He has used the word "bizarre" at every visit, including today's, but it was nice to hear the increase in his vocabulary to include "amazing". He showed me the 2 scans - the first one had a huge black spot that was throughout my entire neck and chest area - that was indicative of left over thyroid tissue and cancer. Today's scan showed a small black pinpoint, which will always show up - that's my thyroid bed - where my thyroid used to live - so it will always "light up". The important thing that he wanted to see was that there was no spread of cancer to any lymph nodes or to my lungs. Given the "bizarre" nature of this entire presentation, that was apparently unexpected, "amazing" news! There is a questionable spot on my CT scan in my neck area, but it was there at the original CT scan back in the spring and it hasn't changed. He thinks that is just an anatomical anomaly and not clinically significant, and plans to just watch it.

So now I get to start my thyroid meds tomorrow morning, and will take them every day for the rest of my life. Blood tests in 3 weeks and 6 weeks, and I see the oncologist again in 6 weeks. I see the ENT on the 28th of this month to just follow up from my surgery. So all in all, I'm essentially free from all things medical for a while - YIPPEE!! I will continue to have to be scanned for probably 5 years or so. Because it was so "bizarre", he wants to follow it closely because of the potential for recurrence.

There have been so many emotions throughout this whole thing. Now I'm grateful, relieved, happy...oh, and full, too. I just had dinner at Logan's steakhouse! No more low-iodine for me!!

Freedom Eve

2010-10-14T21:50:00.003-04:00

It's finally here...the last night of my isolation! The day I never thought would get here is here. Lizzie is spending the night at a friend's house. Tomorrow I go for the follow-up scan at 2:00, and then I see the oncologist right after that. Hopefully I will leave his office with a prescription for thyroid meds. Then in a week, I should be feeling more like my normal self as I climb the ladder toward hyperthyroidism! I wonder what that will be like? My ENT said that I'll like that much more than being hypo, because I'll have energy to burn. I could deal with that, after being Slug Woman for so long. I have to admit that I worry about losing my hair. Such a trivial thing compared to cancer, but I actually worry about this. I won't lose sleep over it. If it happens, it happens. At least I'll be a free woman, able to roam the halls of my home non-radioactively. I'll be able to hug and be hugged by my family. What more could I want in life?

Isolation Day 5 - Lessons Learned

2010-10-13T14:50:00.003-04:00

Only 3 more days to go, and it honestly hasn't been that bad. My honey comes to my room every day to visit - we stay 10 feet apart, which is difficult but necessary. I'm dying for a hug and can't wait for my first backscratch! Lizzie comes to the top of the stairs so we can see each other and give long distance hugs and kisses.

I've learned a lot during this time:
1. Life is full of suffering. All kinds - illness, grief, fear, lonliness, sadness.
God is full of hope. For every kind of suffering.
2. All suffering, in light of eternity, is brief, momentary and light compared to the eternal weight of glory that awaits those who hope in God.
3. Suffering can serve purposes that are greater than any we could choose for ourselves. It can grow character, perseverance, trust - all sorts of things that don't come from days full of happiness.
4. When we let Him, God will comfort us through all our suffering, so that we have the ability, tools and desire to confort others when they're suffering.
5. And last but not least, God can be glorified in suffering, if we can emulate Christ in our attitude toward suffering. If others can see that our suffering doesn't derail us, define us or determine the cause or lack of our joy, it can point them toward God straighter than any sermon or book or inspirational message ever could. People, especially our children, are listening some of the time, but watching all of the time!

Now if only I will remember these lessons for the next time something "less than choice" comes up!

Ode to the Low Iodine Diet

2010-10-12T14:07:00.001-04:00

Low iodine, low iodine,
I’ve had it with each rule.
A juicy steak, ice cream and cake,
For these I’m prone to drool!
Now salad’s nice, don’t get me wrong ~
It’s great in moderation,
But chopping things has got me pooped;
I need a food vacation!
I need some milk, and bread and cheese,
I need some chocolate too,
Low iodine, low iodine,
Can’t wait till this is through!

Fun With Limericks (or, What Ann Does When She's Really Bored!)

2010-10-11T12:54:00.002-04:00

There once was a woman from Kent,
Who’s leg was quite a bit bent.
She wandered around
Wearing a frown
And instead of going, she went.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The dashing young man from Cancun
Wanted to go to the moon.
He got himself packed,
But the mission was sacked
And now he must wait until June.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you see a rather old duck
Driving a blue pick up truck,
Don’t give him bread
Or pat his soft head
Or else he will drive quite amok!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From Lansing a tiny girl came ~
Sophia Smith was her name.
But that poor little wisp
Spoke with quite a loud lisp
Much to her horror and shame.

The day that she first started school,
The children all thought her a fool.
She spit and she sputtered,
Her classmates all muttered;
For children are terribly cruel!

Determined to make a new friend,
She thought she’d do well to pretend
That her lisp was a game,
Which it surely became.
They all play through the week and weekend!

Now if you should visit that school,
You may see a small wading pool,
Where the children all lisp
Like that sweet little wisp.
And they spend their day covered in drool!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Radioactive ...Day Two

2010-10-09T20:19:00.002-04:00

Headache, swollen glands added to the fatigue. Yuck!
Not feeling like reading or cross-stitching. Phooey!
Needing a day at the spa...already! Uh oh!
Only 6 more days to glow...

Radioactive...Day One

2010-10-09T08:28:00.003-04:00

Made it through most of the day without too much trouble, just a little nausea. Slept like a baby, but woke up at at 6 this morning with a terrible headache and a swollen neck. I think the 9 straight hours of no drinking or sucking lemon drops made things back up. Hopefully it won't last, and will get better today as I'm drinking and sucking.
Now settling in for a day of whatever...

The Abdication of Wife and Mother - A Fairy Tale

2010-10-07T07:07:00.004-04:00

For long years the woman labored to keep her throne in tact. All sorts of evil enemies made their valiant attempts to dethrone her, and though the fight was sometimes a brutal one, the woman remained unmoved. The battles, though difficult, only served to strengthen her resolve - she must not give in, no matter what the cost.

The weapons of the enemies were mighty ones: doubt, insecurity, apathy, dirty floors, hairy dogs and the persistency of a tween, to name a few. Sometimes the wounds inflicted were deep and hard to recover from, and there were occasional skirmishes lost, but the woman persevered. She kept her post as wife and mother secure.

Then one day, she abdicated. For one week she would give up her post. Surrender her duties to her family. The cause: one of life's deadliest elements - radioactive iodine! (Cue scary music)

The woman would make her retreat into the turret of the castle, where she would remain for one week. Unable to clean the house, unable to make the meals, unable to hug those she loved most in the world. Essentially unable to do all the things she loved to do for her little family. She was told of others who disregarded the instructions, who allowed themselves to put others in harm's way without thought or care of the consequences. This was definitely a tempting option, but one she could not give in to.

What will go on in her little kingdom? How will her king and little princess go on without her. (She obviously thinks a lot of herself, doesn't she?). The woman is nervous, but grateful to have a loving and wonderful king, and a very resourceful princess in the castle. She knows they will take care of each other and themselves and will be stronger for the journey. And the woman? Well, maybe she'll reappear with a new perspective on what it means to hold onto the throne!

Let the Glowin' Begin!

2010-10-05T14:29:00.002-04:00

Today I went to the hospital and swallowed two capsules of low-dose radioactive iodine. No big deal. It was really disappointing, actually. I had envisioned technicians in space suits carrying a tray out from the depths of the hospital. On the tray was a vial of bubbling, steaming fluorescent green liquid. Instead, it was just a guy in a lab coat with 2 pills in a regular looking pill bottle. He had to stand behind a metal barrier as he prepared the pills, which he then dropped right onto the bare naked palm of my hand. And yes, I keep looking there to make sure it's not burning a hole into my hand!

I don't feel any different, and sadly, no one is complaining or telling me to "turn down the light!"

Tomorrow is the scan. Ninety minutes of lying in one position under a huge camera. Maybe then I'll glow.

Sweet Slug

2010-10-03T15:56:00.003-04:00

Thanks to hypothyroidism, I am now a slug. I guess there have been other times in my life when I've been sluggish, but now I qualify for genuine slughood. I've been so stationary lately that I think Lizzie will add "dust mom" to her list of weekly chores!

I don't like being a slug. I've always enjoyed being busy. House work, church work, work for pay, I've worked in some way or another since I was 16 and had my first job. Now I'm not busy. And the scary thing is that on the whole I don't really care. I know that's part of the illness as well.

These days the only option I have is choosing what sort of slug to be. I can be a complaining, whining, demanding slug. That's the easy choice. I wouldn't have to think at all about doing that one - and I think I've slipped into that a few times recently.

Or...I can be a sweet slug. I can choose to reflect the words of Romans if I can, "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be in constant prayer." I can use this time of slughood to be like Christ around Lizzie, and let her see what godliness can look like when things don't go her way. I can use my time of inertia to pray for the persecuted church around the world, for my husband, for my daughter, for my friends and family that don't know Christ. I can fill the bowls of Heaven with the sweet incense of prayer (Revelation 5:8).

I think I'll do my best to be a sweet slug. With the following disclaimer:
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own." :o) (Phil 3:12)

Gotcha Day!

2010-10-01T08:49:00.002-04:00

Today is the day that we celebrate Gotcha Day. That's the day, 12 years ago today, that we "got" Lizzie. I'll never forget that day, because it changed my life forever. I went from being a wife desperately wanting to be a mom, to being a wife and mom. Difficult transition after 13 years of being a couple, but totally amazing.

We knew we had been chosen by Rose, the birthmom, and that she was expecting any time. She thought she was having a boy. I was at work when my cell phone rang, and our caseworker said, "Congratulations, Ann, you have a daughter!" And in my shock and excitement, I replied, "No, it's a boy!" Funny how we get stuck in our heads and can't get past what we think reality is when we're faced with something unexpected. Jeff knew from the beginning we'd have a girl, and he was right. So instead of being on our way to pick up Jonathan Zachary, we were headed to meet Elizabeth Joy. That was the longest car trip of my life!

Somewhere on the way down, an overwhelming fear gripped me: what if we get there, take a look at this baby and I don't love her? What if she looks like a lizard and is just one of those babies that has a face "only a mother could love"? God had taken us through this entire adoption process and met every need, and here I was questioning Him again. How could He change my heart toward a baby I'd had no relationship with till that point, and give my a mother's heart toward her?

The moment I saw her, all my fears were a distant memory. She was the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. I would have died for her on the spot. That was completely and totally a God thing. I didn't have anything to worry about - He was in control of everything, and has been in control despite all my faults and shortcomings as her mom ever since that day.

So thank you, Lord, for giving me Elizabeth Joy. Thank you for knitting us together with a love that could only come from You.

Awake again...naturally

2010-09-28T04:21:00.002-04:00

Weird dreams last night, horrible scary dreams tonight. I'm not usually a dreamer, so this is new territory. I don't mind the weird funny ones, but these scary Hannibal Lechter-type dreams have got to go. Hoping that listening to the Psalms will chase them away tonight so I can get back to sleep!

Just Keep Swimming...

2010-09-22T16:00:00.002-04:00

and call me Dori!
You'll understand that if you've seen the animated movie "Finding Nemo". She's the comical fish who can't remember anything for longer than 5 minutes. Here's a few examples...
Yesterday at lunchtime I put a potato in the miscrowave for lunch. About an hour later, I remembered it was in there and ate it.
Later on, I put beef stew in the crock pot so I could have dinner. At bedtime, Liz said, "Hey Mom, you left the crock pot on!" I couldn't even remember why it was on in the first place. I had cake for dinner.
It's definitely made life more interesting, since every day is new and different, even if I'm doing the same old thing.
Just keep swimming, and call me Dori! You'll understant that if you've seen...

Something Different for a Change

2010-09-20T18:49:00.002-04:00

Today at work I was walking a 92 year old female patient to the check out desk. She's a delightfully sweet lady. When we got to the desk, I was facing her, giving her some final instructions. She noticed my scar. I held my breath, waiting to hear, "You've had open-heart surgery" for the millionth time. She said instead, "Is that a tattoo?" I could have kissed her!
And I laughed all the way into the next patient's room...
Thank you, Mrs. X, for changing it up a little!

Happy Anniversary?

2010-09-17T14:52:00.001-04:00

Happy Anniversary?
Today is the one year anniversary of my mom's death. From cancer. I think the fact that both my parents died with cancer has made this whole cancer thing just a little more scary to me.

Today marks a year full of things without my mom. That's a year full of birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, summertime, Grandparents Day, Mother's Day and lots of other special days that were marked without her. My parents would have been married 49 years this year. I ordered my usual school pictures this year, so I had a 5x7 leftover that normally would have gone to mom. I got much less mail this year, since there were no letters from mom. I would have loved to have my mom here while going through all this cancer crap, but I'm glad that she didn't have to see me in I.C.U. in so much pain and having so much trouble breathing. She was a really good worrier, and she would have had a lot to worry about.

Shortly after my mom died, Lizzie observed that now I was an orphan. She wondered if I wished that someone would adopt me. I guess I short of do wish that I wasn't an orphan, but no one could ever replace the parents I miss.

It's 1 A.M...

2010-09-16T01:07:00.002-04:00

on Wednesday night, and I'm obviously still awake. Probably won't be going to work tomorrow. Didn't go to work today. Jeff wants me to stay home till I can get on thyroid meds. When he first mentioned that a few weeks ago, I didn't like the idea, but it's looking better the later it gets tonight. Or this morning.

Insomnia is a mysterious thing to me. I go to bed when I'm dog-tired, thinking I'll fall right to sleep. But something about the horizontal positioning of my body triggers something to overtake the dog-tiredness, replacing it with exhausted wide-awakeness. Perhaps I need to rig up a way for me to sleep standing up, to avoid the horizontal position? Sleeping pills seem to be no match for whatever causes this problem. Maybe it's time to break out "all the beer, wine and alcohol I want" from the Low Iodine Diet...nah!

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXY....just can't catch a Z anywhere!

Pressing On

2010-09-14T21:35:00.001-04:00

Pressing On

“Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.”
Phil 3:13-14

Pressing on toward Calvary
Just to show His love for me;
Pressing onward to the Cross
All to seek and save the lost.
Pressing on to meet the grave,
Pressing on, His sheep to save,
Pressing upward to His throne
Pressing forth to claim His own.

Pressing onward toward the goal
Pressing on to be made whole.
Straining forward toward the prize,
Jesus, ever before my eyes.
Pressing on to heed the call:
Giving Him my life, my all;
Pressing on to run this race,
Able to because of grace.

Tyranny of the Mundane but Necessary

2010-09-13T20:48:00.001-04:00

This low iodine diet (LID) has me cooking the most now that I'm feeling the worst. Since I've been back to work, cooking hasn't been high on my list of fun things to do, so I opt for quick and easy most of the time. But the LID requires endless vegetable chopping, fruit slicing, fresh meat preparing. I don't want to get out of bed most days, so I certainly don't feel like chopping, slicing and preparing!
Enter the blessing. She is beautiful. Five feet tall, curly dark hair, a smile that comes from her heart and takes over her face when it comes. She said, "I've decided on what one of my chores can be. I will chop up all your vegetables." Unasked for, unexpected. So the tears blur her profile and I nod. She wrinkles her nose, shakes her head and goes back to her TV show.
I know I'm going to get through this...

The New Normal...

2010-09-10T16:32:00.002-04:00

...is not something I like. People have described me recently as:
Pale
Tired looking
Irritated

Yes, I am pale, tired and irritated. I don't like it. But I'm getting used to it. Hopefully others will get used to it and stop reminding me that I am those things. They are my new normal. I have to remember that it's just a temporary normal, but it is normal.

On another note, I've been amazed at how people, most generally my patients at work, seem to feel that they all deserve to know why I have this whopper of a scar down my chest. I actually had this conversation recently with a patient. I was trying to explain an eye test that I was going to do.
ME: "Ok, we're going to be doing an OCT today..."
PATIENT: (interrupting) "You had open heart surgery, didn't you?"
ME: "No. You'll put your chin on the chinrest..."
PATIENT: (interrupting, again) "Then why do you have that scar??"
ME: (pregnant pause, hard stare at patient) "You won't feel anything, you'll just see some lights occasionally..."
PATIENT: "I suppose it was rude of me to ask you that. But I have a medical book at home, and I like to look things up, so I really want to know why you have that scar!"
ME: "Excuse me just a minute..."
Enter different technician...

Honestly! But I guess that's all part of the new normal. Sigh...

Too Tired to Think...

2010-09-08T21:41:00.000-04:00

Today I came home from work at noon. I worked about 4 hours and was exhausted. When I got home, I needed to help Lizzie with school. We're working on a new home school online curriculum, and we haven't figured out the ins and outs yet. We worked on school till 5:30. My patience was a little short to start with, and got shorter as the day progressed. Did the day actually progress? I'm not sure.

Anyway, we never did figure out the glitch that we keep slamming up against. So when Jeff got home, he dove right in, working as he ate his corn on the cob and beans, with butter and salt and...sorry. I'm easily distracted. He worked on it till about 8:30. Didn't figure out the glitch either. That made me feel a little better, since all this time I've been sure it's just because my brain is so hormonally deprived that I've turned into an idiot, and everyone knows it but me.

I finally got to take the bath that I'd been wanting to soak in since about 2:30 this afternoon. My legs are killing me - apparently another hypothyroid blessing. I soaked, and as I soaked, Lizzie came in several times for this and that. One of the thisses was asking me to tie a knot in beading string. While I was soaking wet. And of course being supermom, I tried. I finally had to beg for mercy till I was dry.

And now everyone is nestled in their beds, and I'm typing. Because although my body is screaming with exhaustion, my mind is now wide awake. I've already shed tears - I didn't outright weep, but tears came out. I don't even know why exactly, but they did. I'm going to get into bed now, and I'm not setting my alarm. Because like I told Lizzie, who currently has a cold, sometimes you just need to sleep till you wake up on your own. Her body needs rest to fight her cold. My body needs rest. That's my plan. Hopefully I'll cooperate with myself.

Back in the Saddle...

2010-09-07T15:05:00.000-04:00

..but the horse keeps throwin' me off! Went back to work this morning, two weeks after my second surgery. It was nice to be back, but my energy level just can't seem to keep up with my desire. Sooooo....worked till noon and then came home and slept for a few hours. I've never been a napper, and hate that I am now. I like to go and go and go till evening. But now as the old saying goes, my "get-up-and-go has gotten-up-and-gone"! Hope it comes back soon!

A new blog...

2010-09-04T17:30:00.001-04:00

I've blogged before. I like to blog. My sister challenged my to blog about my thyroid cancer, so here I go.

I started having weird throat symptoms in April of this year. Let 'em go for a while, but they wouldn't go, so I got checked. Blood work normal - I thought, "good," but they didn't agree. I got the results of my ultrasound while I was at a minor league baseball game with Lizzie's class. Over the roar of the crowd, I listened to words like "large mass" and "cancer" talked about the way you'd talk about "groceries" and "laundry". I was numb.

Fast forward to the ENT visit. I listened as he explained that there was a 50/50 chance that I'd have to have my chest cracked open to remove my thyroid. Now, I'm not a doctor, and I don't play one on T.V., but I know that the thyroid is supposed to be in the neck region. Apparently mine was traveling south even though it wasn't winter. But he was certain that whatever was going on, it wasn't cancer. I liked him better than the Cancer Phonecall Person.

June 1, surgery. I woke up with the typical thyroid wound in front of my neck. And 39 staples down the middle of my chest. Like open-heart surgery without the heart surgery. That hurt. But except for some post-op breathing trouble, I was up and around, and ready to go home on June 7. Feeling like I'd dodged a bullet. Till the gunman showed up on the 6th telling me that I had thyroid cancer. "Papillary carcinoma." I listened to all the details, and his reassurance that "if you have to get cancer, this is the one to get." I didn't remember being told that I had to get cancer in the first place.

Blood tests, recuperation and an MRI later, the decision to remove the last bit of thyroid tissue was made, and on Aug. 24 I had the second surgery. A paper cut compared to the first one, since it was only through the neck wound. Recovery was easy, and my voice seems like it will be pretty normal eventually. (For those who don't know, I was a voice major in college, so I kinda like to sing a little.) I haven't tried that yet, because I'm afraid of what I might sound like.

Now I'm waiting. Waiting to see the oncologist again, for the radioactive iodine (RAI) scan, and then the RAI treatment and week of isolation. Because I'll be radioactive. Like a nuclear weapon. I'm also waiting for the exciting symptoms of hypothyroidism, which make everything thus far sound like a cake walk. While I wait, I'm on a low-iodine diet. Essentially jelly beans and beer for the next month. I'll be fat and diabetic, but so drunk I won't care!

This whole thing has been...weird. And it has made me feel very week and dependent. Dependent on Jeff and Lizzie, who have been wonderful. They've done things for me that I would have preferred to do myself, and I'm grateful to them for that. On my sister, who's been funny and concerned and there whenever I need to talk. And on friends and my church family who have brought meals, taken me places when I couldn't drive, and provided prayer and encouragement every day since April. I don't know awful how the past few months would have been without them, and I'm grateful I won't have to find out.

In the New Testament, James wrote that "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights..." I know that every person that has been involved in this with me has been a gift to me from God. I know that God even brought this cancer into my life for His purpose. I once read somewhere that if it never rained, we'd never see rainbows. Without the bad, God has no opportunity to show His love and care for His people. Paul wrote about his "thorn in the flesh", that God wouldn't remove because God's "grace is sufficient for you, My power is made perfect in weakness." And so Paul responded that he would "boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." I'm thankful that God has brought this situation in my life, because it's allowed me to be weak and He has shown Himself strong.

I've joked about "glowing in the dark" after my RAI treatment, mostly because if I don't joke about it, it just freaks me out. But I've been thinking about that phrase in the "light" of what Paul says in Philippians, and I realized that I want to glow in the dark; I want to "shine as lights in the world" in the darkness of cancer, of fear and uncertainty. I want everyone who's watching be able to see the Light and Strength of Christ.

My sister also challenged me to get a tattoo when my RAI is done. I'm not so sure about that one!