I started this blog two years ago, when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. My sister thought it would be cathartic for me to express my thoughts as I walked through that period of my life. It certainly was fun, and a helpful outlet.
It seems that God has given me some new things to walk through with Him, and to think about how He is still in control no matter what comes into my life. I'm writing this from my hospital bed, where I have been for five days. After almost two months of dealing with uncontrollable asthma, my doctor admitted me on high dose steroids. The steroids caused my blood sugar to go into a tailspin, oftentimes not registering on the meter because of how high it was! I have not ever had blood sugar issues personally. My mom was diabetic, and I've been considered to probably have Metabolic Syndrome, which has included endometriosis and poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, as well as my thyroid issues. The doctor thinks that this current incident with the steroids has probably just pushed me over the line into diabetes. I will go home on insulin and oral medication, with the goals of weaning off all the meds as quickly as possible. My goal is to be a diet-controlled diabetic.
This goal makes me start thinking about God's sovereignty and my accountability. I'm not disciplined in my eating or exercise habits - never have been. I was a stick as a kid and ate whatever, whenever. But over the course of my life thus far, the different aspects of Metabolic syndrome, as well as my lack of discipline, have all caused me to be overweight, which is probably another factor in my current situation. So now I sit here playing "What If" with myself. what if I had been more disciplined and kept better care of myself? Would I be in this situation right now? If this was God's plan for my life at this point, would my good efforts have been able to thwart His plan? I hang onto Jeremiah 29:11 at this point, and hope that is where the answers to my what if's are found: "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." God is not planning my life as it unfolds. He already has all the plans for my life, from beginning to end, and every moment in between.
It's so easy to see the good things as His plan - a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, wonderful friends, a home, a good job, etc. Those are all things that we desire. The "bad" things - cancer, diabetes, loss of loved ones, financial difficulties - those are the things we as believers pray against. But looking back, it has always been these "bad things" that drive me to the throne of grace much more often than the good things. And when I get to that throne, I find the only thing I need - God.
The book of Hebrews chapter 12 talks about how God disciplines His children. We think of discipline as punishment, and that is an incorrect understanding. Jesus lived with his disciples for three years. During that time, He was discipling them - disciplining them, teaching them to be like Him. Discipline is not something that can be done from a distance. It's an up close and personal thing. So in order for God to discipline His children, He brings them close. In a way, it's like he's holding my face tenderly in His hands saying, "Here is a trial. My plan is that through it, you will become more like Jesus. Stay close, come to my throne and sit at my feet so I can give you all the grace and mercy that you will need to patiently endure, and eventually be more than just a conqueror. Don't fixate on the circumstances - they will only cause discouragement, fear, doubt and pain. Fix your eyes on me instead, see Jesus in my face and become a mirror of His image. Let my joy be in you so that your joy is complete. I will give you all you need for godliness and perseverance. When this is through, you will look a little bit more like Christ, the author and perfecter of your faith. And don't forget my promise: I will never leave you or forsake you!"
Keep me at the foot of your throne, my Abba. I want to be like Jesus! After all, that is your ultimate plan for my life.